Kids and Parents Jokes...
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Mum (reading School Report): What's this all about? Your teacher says he finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Child: I told you he was no good!
Sister: Why are you standing in front of the mirror with your eyes closed?
Brother: To see what I look like when I'm asleep!
Mum: Why are you putting sugars under your pillow?
Child: So that I'll have sweet dreams!
Teacher: How can you prove that the world is round?
Pupil: I never said it was, miss.
Dad: Do you want some help with your homework?
Child: No, thanks, Dad, I'll get it wrong on my own.
Mum: Why are you putting that dish with the supper in the fridge?
Daughter: That it will not be cold.
Father: My boy, I never kissed a girl until I met your mother. Will you be able to say the same thing to your son?
Son: Yes, but not with such a straight face.
Mum: I've told you often enough those Smiths are bad boys for you to play with.
Son: But I'm a good boy for them to play with.
Difference Between a Phone and a Phone Bill in GenerationTerms
When the phone rings, it's for your teenager. When the phone bill arrives, it's for you
Who You Want to Be?
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.
"A football player," said Jim.
"A doctor," said Alfred.
"An astronaut," said Suzy.
"The president," said little Al. (Everyone laughed).
"A fireman," said Fred.
"A teacher," said Lisa.
"A race car driver." said Mario.
Everyone that is, except Tommy.
The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible." Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. "Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."
AC and BC
Life is measured in time: BC and AC. That, to me, means "before children" and "after children."
In the musical school director office. The director tries to reason with the angry mother.
- Madam, I am very sorry, but we can't accept your boy in our musical school. Please, be reasonable, madam, but he is absolutely tone deaf, we can't do anything with this.
- What his ears have to do with this! He is supposed to learn how to play instruments, not how to listen to them!
The Deepest Wish of Every Boy
Mother asked her son.
- What do you want for your birthday?
- A horse, a watergun and three days without washing myself!
One small boy asked another.
- Was your mam angry with you this morning?
- Yeah, she caught me that I didn't wash myself.
- But how did she know?
- I was in a hurry and forgot to wet a soap bar.
Clear Speech Means Clear Thinking
Nephew came with a visit to his rich uncle.
- Uncle Billy, I need to tell you something.
- Okay, but be short and clear, my boy.
- Hundred dollars.
The boy came home from school and was telling his father what have happened during the day.
- And you know, on the chemistry lesson we've made this great experiment. And then it was the big explosion!
The father wearily looked at the son.
- And of course you got the reprimand from the teacher again, I bet.
- No, he was too close to the explosion, - the son sadly shook his head, - he didn't have a chance, poor guy.
The small boy was lost in a mall and was delivered to the local police station where deputy gently tried to learn names of his parents.
- Okay, sonny, now tell me how your mom and dad are called?
The boy stopped crying for a second and blurted out:
- Honey and Sweetheart, officer!
The routine of everyday is in progress. The son is in the bed but he is not sleepy and the father is telling him fairy tales to make him sleep. One hour passed. The only sound in the house is the low murmur of the father's voice. Two hours passed and there is deep silence in the child's room. The mother tiptoed to the room door and whispered:
- Is he asleep, honey?
- Yes, mommy, - she got the answer from her small son.
What Do You Think?
The four years old boy got the new brother and a stream of relatives came to congratulate the family with new child. The infant was loudly crying and one of the uncles asked the elder brother:
- Why it is that he cries so much?
- And why shouldn't he? - The boy answered in exasperation, - If you would haven't either teeth nor hair, your legs wouldn't hold you and your arms wouldn't obey you, you would shout 10 times louder than he does now!
Father decided that it is time to fulfill his parental obligations in sexual education of his son.
- Son, you are old enough now and it's time that we should talk about sex with you.
- Okay, dad, - sighed the son with resignation, - What do you want to know?
Generation Gap: Psychologist's View on the Problem
A psychologist was talking to the parents worried about their teenage kids.
"Guys, guys, don't be so upset, really. This generation isn't that much different from our own. Look for yourself. They grow up the same way. They go to schools and colleges the same way we did. They also smoke their first cigarette. They run away from home too. They marry the same way. And have children. See, they do all this as we did, right? ...But only in the opposite order, that's all, folks.
Did You Ever See a Real Angel?
Painting lesson in a school. Teacher is walking between rows of students and checking out their progress.
- John, where did you see an angel with 3 wings? - the teacher made a note to one of the pupils.
- But, sir, - the boy protested, - where did you see an angel at all?
- Look, dear, - the husband asks anxiously, - didn't you notice that after we've begun to give our son money for the good marks, he became the second best pupil in the school? Do you think that he is a genius?
- No, don't think so, - the wife shakes her head, - I suspect that he splits the profit 50/50 with the teacher, dear.
A Dean called a student to his office.
- Look, young man, - he says sternly, - you've been spotted yesterday on the territory of the woman's hostel. You know that it is forbidden to be there, don't you? Yes, I am sure that you are aware of this fact as well as that you due to pay 10 dollars fine. And remember that it is only for the first time. The second time it will be already 25 dollars penalty.
The student nods, takes out his calculator, makes some estimates and finally looks at the Dean.
- Professor, I value your time. Let's speak business here. How much will cost a seasonal ticket?
Benefits of High Education
Department of education decided to check out the level of mathematical knowledge among the university students. There was one question only in the test: "How much will be two multiply by two?"
The first year student: answers immediately "Four"
The second year student: takes out a crib with multiplication table and finds out the correct answer.
The third year student: takes out a calculator and quickly produces the correct answer.
The fourth year student: promptly runs to the computer room, checks out Internet database and returns with the correct answer.
The pre-graduated student: bursts of indignation "That's ridiculous! Must I remember all constants now?!"
Exams. A student enters, comes to a table and picks up a question card, looks at it, sighs and with shaking voice asks a professor:
- Can I take another card, sir?
The professor was in a good mood and nodded. The student takes another card, quickly scans a question, noticeably pales, turns again to the professor and nearly in tears whispers:
- Begging your pardon, professor, but can I pick another card up, please, sir?
The professor thoughtfully looks at the shaking pale student for a moment, then asks his record book, puts there a C-mark and dismisses the student. A young assistant of the professor who has been watching the whole scene asked the professor in amazement:
- Why did you do this? He didn't answer a single question. He didn't deserve a mark!
The professor looked at the assistant and replied:
- Didn't you see that he was searching through the question cards? If he was searching for something, then he knew at least something.
Kid's Instructions on Life
"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." - Rocky, age 9
"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." - Stephanie, age 8
"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." - Lamar, age 10
"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." - Carrol, age 9
"Never bug a pregnant mom." - Nicholas, age 11
"Don't ever be too full for dessert." - Kelly, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him." - Heather, age 16
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." - Michael, age 14
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." - Joel, age 12
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." - Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat." - Laura, age 13
"Never spit when on a roller coaster." - Scott, age 11
"Never do pranks at a police station." - Sam, age 10
"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving." - Rob, age 10
"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do." - Hank, age 12
"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand." - Molly, age 11
"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information." - Chelsey, age 7
"Stay away from prunes." - Randy, age 9
"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." - Phillip, age 13
"Forget the cake, go for the icing." - Cynthia, age 8
"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house." - Joanne, age 11
"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." - Matthew, age 12
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Kid's Kitchen Vocabulary Terms
APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
COOKIE (LAST ONE): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
CRUST: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of poor countries.
DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.
FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
FRIED FOODS: Gourmet Cooking.
KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
THIRSTY: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."
SODA POP: Shake 'N Spray.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and efficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
MACARONI: Material for a collage.
A little bit more of definitions
DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS AMNESIA:
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...
First baby, second baby, third baby
Some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first...
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name:
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Dear Mom and Dad: It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my unthoughtfulness. I'm sure you have been worried about me.
Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok?
Don't read any further unless you're sitting down. Ok?
I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast. In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show.
That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up.
We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad!
Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an important government position where he comes from.
Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.
Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.
Your loving daughter, -Chelsea
P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too!
P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is that we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your parents."
The biggest lie
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."
Baby worm, mother worm
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny.
"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!" answered little Johnny.
Whom are you talking to?
A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?