Family Life requires a lot of humor to stay sane and joyful...
Theory of Relatives Relativity
Theory of relativity: the more relatives are visiting you, the slower the time passes.
Counsel: The cross-examination did not seem to worry you at all. Have you had any previous experience?
Client: Three wives.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
"What would you most like for your birthday?" a man asks his wife. She thinks for a minute. "I'd love to be ten again," smiling broadly.
So on the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early. Off they go to the local theme park. What a day! He puts her on every ride in the park -- The Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -- everything there is! Wow! She staggers out of the park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right into McDonald's they go. Her husband orders a double Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie. It's the latest Star Wars epic, with plenty of cotton candy, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & Ms. What a fabulous adventure of a day!
Finally she wobbles home with her husband and collapses into bed. He leans over lovingly. "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" She opens one eye and stares at him. "You idiot," she moans. "I meant dress size!"
When the man came home, his wife was crying.
"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"At the end of the letter it was written:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
"BEFORE and AFTER MARRIAGE"
Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.
Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.
Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.
Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.
Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.
Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.
Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.
Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.
Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start
Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.
Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.
Before - Idol.
After - Idle.
Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?
Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.
Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.
Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.<br>
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?
Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary..
Love, honour and obey
Todd and Jill had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one. No matter what Todd tried to say or do, Jill refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated. After a while, Todd said "When we got married, you promised to love, honour and obey."
Jill replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."
The millionaire, examining a prospective son-in-law, demanded:
"Would you love my daughter just as much if she were poor?"
"Yes, of course, sir."
"Then you can't have her. We don't want any idiots in this family."
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest,"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
First and last fight
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
The final advice
Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Are We Even?
Early in the morning the housewives of two neighboring houses met each other and chatted. One asked another:
- You know, dear, I'm worried about you. Is everything okay with you or are you feeling not that good? I am wondering as I have seen the doctor left your house at 2AM in the morning yesterday.
- Why, dear, I don't shout that a war has started to the whole neighborhood only because the colonel has been leaving your house every morning!
The Last Will
The man was dying and has called his wife to tell her his last wish.
- You'll give our shop to our son.
- No, dear, better give it to our daughter, I think.
- I told you already - to the son!
- No, dear, to the daughter.
- Woman! Who is dying here - you or me?
Young man comes to the millionaire.
- Sir, we can earn 300 000 for each of us.
- Interesting. What do you propose?
- I've heard that you give 600 000 as your daughter's dowry, is it correct?
- Yes, proceed.
- So, I'll take her for half the price.
The father tells his daughter.
- Listen to me, marry Fred. He is clearly in love with you.
- And why are you so sure, dad?
- Oh, dear, it is obvious. I am borrowing money from him 6 months already and he still visits us regularly.
A man is going down a street. Suddenly he hears a thin and very worried voice from nowhere:
- Jump back, quickly!
Out of surprise the man jumped back and the same moment a huge brick falls down from roof exactly on the spot he was standing a second ago. The shocked man looks around himself for an owner of the voice but he was completely alone on the narrow street.
- Who spoke to me? - he asked nervously, - Who saved my life?
The man nearly jumped again when the same voice told him:
- It's me, your guarding spirit and I'm in your pocket.
The man rummaged in his pockets and surely he took out the little gnome out of one. The gnome wasn't taller than a thimble. The man looked at the apparition for a second and than suddenly dropped the gnome to asphalt and maliciously tramped down on him muttering all the time with the spitting vengeance:
- Where have you been before, you little piece of shit? Where have you been when I have married? On vacation or what?
Crocodiles Against Mother-in-law
Telephone rings in a house. A man picks up the phone. The agitated voice on the other end began to shout something about a terrible accident.
- Wait a moment, slow down, please, - the man said, - I can't get a thing what you are talking about.
The person on the other end of the line calmed a little and began again. Finally the man got it that it is the director of the local zoo who is calling him and with certain apprehension it dawned on him that his wife and mother-in-law were supposed to visit the zoo this same morning.
- So, what have happened? - the man asked.
- But I am telling you the last ten minutes already! - the zoo director yelled in frustration, - It was the terrible accident! Your mother-in-law fell into the crocodile pool!
- Oh, yeah?! - now the man yelled back, - They are your crocodiles! So YOU save them!
Where Have You Been All Night?!
Cruise liner has had a shipwrecking and sank at the dark hours of night. On of the passengers was saved by the poor luck. He swam and swam in the night and finally reached a small tropical island at his last strength. Finally he managed to a shore and collapsed on wet white sand. The first thing the man saw when he has regained consciousness was his wife who has been with him on the ship and miraculously was saved too. She looked at him with a stern expression and exclaimed:
" And where have you been, mister, all night? Yes, I ask you, where have you swum all night? The ship sank when it was only 2 am in the morning and now is already nearly noon!"
Husband came home earlier than usually and found his wife in bed with a stranger. The sight of the husband paralyzed the young man but the wife calmly climbed out of the bed, donned a robe and introduced the men.
- How nice, dear. See, dear, that is John. John, that is my husband. Well, guys, you chat for a while and I'll go and call 911, okay? Just in case, you know.
Deadly tired husband returned home very late at night. His wife rushed to him and shouted:
- Where have you been?
The husband sat down, sighed and said:
- Honey, you are so smart, please, think something up by yourself. Whatever you say is okay with me.
Can She Count On It?
Morning. A couple at breakfast table.
He: "Dear, I'll be late this evening."
She: "Honey, can I count firmly on this?"
Weekend. An elderly couple is sitting in a living room.
She: "Dear, maybe we could go to a movie tonight?"
He (with irritation): "We've been there already!"
She (pleadingly): "Oh, dear, yes, we were. But, you know, there are movies with sound now and we've never seen those!"
After a couple of months of an intense affair she asked the guy:
- Dear, don't you think that it's time for me to meet your relatives?
- Oh, I don't know, honey, what to say even. You see, children are with my mother-in-law now and the wife is on vacation.
After many years of marriage a husband died. The wife is in mourning. Her lover tried everything to cheer her up but without result. Finally he offered her to make love.
- How can you tell me this! - the woman cried in shock, - I am in grief!
- Yes, dear, I understand, - the lover assures her, - that's why we'll do this slowly and sadly.
Side Effects of Work Efficiency
A wife dropped in to a husband's office and noticed a new pretty secretary there.
- Are you the new secretary of my husband? - she asks the young girl.
- Yes, madam.
- Well, I hope that you'll not be so energetic and persistent as your predecessor was.
- I beg your pardon, madam - the girl confused, - but I don't know who worked here before me.
- I was, - answered the wife.
A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock. "Quick!" she said to the man, "It's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!" "Where's the back door?", the man asked as he grabbed his clothes. "There isn't one", she replied. "Where would you like one?" he asked.
If your wife doesn't feel well, gentlemen, do what I do to speed her recovery ... offer to help with the housework. If you don't think there's such a thing as a miracle recovery, you ought to see my wife get well again every time I start to vacuum the windows.
"I am going to bed" interpretation
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.
Husband called, "I thought you were going to bed."
"I'm on my way," she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.
About that time, the husband turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed," and he did.
Many, many years ago
when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
who, of course, was my stepmother.
Father's wife then had a son,
who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
she's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
it simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"
"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."
Question of the life
The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"