Technical Support Problems
Here are some conversations, which had actually happened between help desk people and their customers.
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candour, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
After digging to a depth of 100m last year Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Finnish press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, Finnish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones.
Overheard at a computer store: "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."
Bill Gates's Personal Hell Demo
Bill Gates died and found himself in purgatory being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case: I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "What's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful and clean. Bill saw a sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
With his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches and the scantily clad women playing in the water?"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
Top Ten Reasons Why Computers Are Male (very femenistic...)
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long. "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
General Motors versus Microsoft
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO)
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95"or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Linux would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.
7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.
8. The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car."
Place Your Bets
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Food For Computer
What did the hungry computer eat?
Chips, one byte at a time.