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NEW!   Cartoon Laws
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Have you ever read a fantasy novl or watched a film and wondered why the villain is so stupid?
Peter Anspach certainly has. A few years ago he began to compile a list of these stupid things on his website "The Evil Overlord", and before long others were contributing to it. If you want to see the full list, then go to
, but for now here's a selection of the top fifty!
Things we have learned from movies...
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

14. Once applied, lipstick  will never rub off even while scuba diving.

15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

16. When they are alown, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

18. A man will show no pain while taking  the most ferocious beating but will whine when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen, but  will always say: "Enter Password Now".

22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Tires will squeal on any surface, at any speed.

23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 
The top 50 things I'd do if I ever became an Evil Overlord
by Peter Anspach
From The Mammoth Book of Seriously Comic Fantasy
Have you ever read a fantasy novl or watched a film and wondered why the villain is so stupid?
Peter Anspach certainly has. A few years ago he began to compile a list of these stupid things on his website "The Evil Overlord", and before long others were contributing to it. If you want to see the full list, then go to
, but for now here's a selection of the top fifty!
1. My Legions of Terror  will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped, will be killed, not kept anonimously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is NOT too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact, which is the source of my power, will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. (The same applies to the object that is my one weakness.)

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, wil you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him.
No, on second thoughts, I'll shoot him first and then say "No".

8. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a big red button labeled "DANGER: DO NOT PUSH". The big red button marked "DO NOT PUSH" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough  to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not be clearly labeled as such.

9. All slain enemies will be cremated. Or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them - not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.

10. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss. a last cigarette. or any last request.
11. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

12. I will never utter the sentence, "Before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

13. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally  listen to their advice. One of my advisers will be an average 5-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

14. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust accordingly.

15. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset.

16. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way, even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless, my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

17. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery that is completely undestructible, except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

18. I will never build only one of anything important. All-important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

19. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidently stumble.

20. I will dress in bright and cheery colours and so throw my enemies into confusion.
21. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, talentless bards and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

22. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

23. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

24. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

25. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

26. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact that can destroy me, I will not send my all troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else, and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

27. I will hire a team of board-certified  architects and surveyors to examine my casle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

28. If the beautiful princess that I capture says, "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!" I will say, "Oh,well", and kill her.

29. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksman-ship. Any who cannot hit a man-sized target at ten meters will be used for target practice.

30. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
31. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

32. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

33. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits that could prove to be a disadvantage.

34. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

35. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse instead of standing around while members break off and attack him one or two at a time.

36. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering. )

37. If I am fighting with the hero atop of a moving platform, have disarmed him and am about to finish him off, and he glances behind me and drops flat, I will too drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

38. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of a crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

39. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

40. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
41. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the twelve stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button".

42. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

43. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence and then send the same group to try the task again.

44. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

45. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that a hero is sheduled to go first.

46. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimenatl value.

47. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards so that if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

48. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

49. Any data of crucial importance will be padded to 1,45 MB in size.

50. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Funny Stuff
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My both personalities are busy working at the computer
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Movie Things
Things You Can Learn from "Vertical Limit", the  mountaineering-adventure movie
last update: 12th of August, 2002
NEW!   Cartoon Laws
If a monsoon is approaching the Himalayan Mountains but has a 50% chance of swinging to the south of you, it's reasonable to push on for a summit bid up K2.

K2 climbing teams start their expeditions out of base camp by riding a helicopter to a spot partway up the mountain.

An appropriate technique for exiting a helicopter is to have the aircraft unsteadily flutter ten feet above a narrow bench on a vertical rock cliff, then climb out the side door, grasp a landing foot, thrash and gyrate your legs, then swing off as if you are dismounting a trapeze.

Female climbers on major climbing expeditions keep their hair freshly washed, sport fashionably-tied bandanas, and wear eyeliner and lipstick at all times.

The main purpose of glacier goggles in Himalayan climbing is to be propped up on your forehead to make you look chic.

Himalayan climbers are never seen with zinc oxide on their face or sunscreen in their ears or nostrils.

The main purpose of a climbing helmet is for protection while jumping across a 40'-wide chasm as you grasp two ice axes and windmill your arms to thunk into a vertical wall of ice on the opposite side.

On Saturday nights, the main tent at the 19,000' base camp at K2 is converted into a singles' bar, and is jammed with an international mob of swingers drinking rum & cokes with ice cubes.

If you are belaying an ascending partner, the proper command to shout when he reaches the top of the pitch is "Belay On!"

If you are rock climbing up a vertical cliff, and a 2-man climbing team directly above you falls, their rope will likely clip into your carabiners on the way down and result in them precipitously dangling from the harness of your bottom climber.

If you are swept into a crevasse by an avalanche and summarily buried, you will still be able to communicate to base camp six miles away and 7,000' below via your walkie-talkie.

A good approach strategy for a six-man rescue team is to split up into groups of two and take three different routes to a rendezvous point.

Two of the routes will be on glacier and will be travelled unroped; the other route will be up a vertical rock buttress and will be climbed while wearing crampons.

If the victims are as low as 26,000' elevation, your rescue team will not need bottled oxygen.

If you are trying to rescue a fellow climbing trio who are trapped in a crevasse, a suitable method would be to blow apart the glacier with self-detonating nitro-glycerine explosive devices stolen from the Pakistani army.

Should that method fail, the backup strategy would be to lower a rope into the crevasse, have all three victims clip into the rope at once, and pull them out while unanchored.

No pulley system need be set up; instead, emphatically grunting and groaning will sufficiently aid in hauling them out with brute strength.

If any of the nitro-glycerine fluid accidentally drips onto your climbing boot, you should gingerly undo the lacing, slip the boot off of your foot, then hurl it onto an ice field to make it explode with a roiling mushroom cloud of orange & black flame. Snow leopards leave footprints in snow in the pattern of an animal with a "pacing" [i.e. waddling] gait, such as an opossum or skunk.
Cartoon Laws
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives, might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced,splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Famous Last Words in the movies
-I'll get a world record for this.
-It's fireproof.
-He's probably just hibernating.
-What does this button do?
-I'm making a citizen's arrest.
-So, you're a cannibal.
-It's probably just a rash.
-Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
-Are you sure the power is off?
-The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
-What duck?
-What do you mean, "I'll be back"?
-Pull the pin and count to what?
-Which wire was I supposed to cut?
-I wonder where the mother bear is.
-I've seen this done on TV.
-These are the good kind of mushrooms.
-I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
-You look just like Charles Manson.
-Let it down slowly.
-Rat poison only kills rats.
-I sure they speak English.
-OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
-I'll get your toast out.
-It's strong enough for both of us.
-This doesn't taste right.
-I can make this light before it changes.
-Nice doggie.
-I can do that with my eyes closed.
-I've done this before.
-Well we've made it this far.
-That's odd.
-I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
-OK this is the last time.
-Don't be so superstitious.
-Now watch this....