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This is the first page of the Funny Stuff Corner of my site. There are many funny and humorous things here - short funny phrases, anecdotes, jokes and many more. To see the complete list of the funny stuff content click here.
For clever, wise and famous quotes, citations and words click here.
Site Navigation is at the bottom of the page - click here.
For more clever and wise phrases please check the Words of Wisdom.
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Funny Stuff
page 1
Here are some clever and funny phrases from the favourite authors.
Terry Pratchett
If you didn't read his books yet, it is highly recommended that you do as soon as possible. They are very good in relaxing you after the hard day.
No  wonder this man was a diplomat.
You couldn't trust him an inch, he thought in loops, and you couldn't help liking him despite it.

He said that there was death and taxes and taxes was worse, because at least death didn't happen to you every year.

To consist of their promising to do anything we ask provided we promise not to ask them to do anything.

Looking for any sign of intelligence in intelligence reports.

The origins were lost in the depths of time, which was as good a reason as any for retaining the custom.
They were grown men or at least lived for several decades, which in some societies is considered the same thing.

It was such a high-class establishment that it sold not sweets, but confectionary - often in the form of individual gold wrapped swirly things that made even larger holes in a bank balance that they did in a tooth.

In some parts of the city curiosity didn't just kill the cat, it threw it in the river with lead weights tied to it's feet.

Its skin is rare and highly valued, especially by the vermin itself; the selfish little bastard will do anything rather than let go of it.

This thief was an artist of theft. Other thieves merely stole everything that was not nailed down but this thief stole the nails as well.

He didn't administer a reign of terror, just the occasional light shower.
David Eddings
His "Belgarion" and "Mallorean" series are one of the jewels in Fantasy fiction (well, I think so).
The only reason there is such a thing as morning in the first place is to keep night and afternoon from bumping into each other.

People always travel faster when somebody's chasing them.

She's very careful with children and other breakable things.

I've regretted many things in my life, I doubt that one more will make all that much difference.

I'm always in trouble. I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't.

Somehow it restores my faith in the order of the Universe.
Just a short ones...
How do we know that fairy tales are fiction?
Because the prince is always smart, handsome, single, and straight.

The question of a little girl to her dad: "If you are a male and I'm a female, for goodness sake, what's an e-mail?"

- Do you speak Spanish?
- No, but I listen fluently.

There is nothing wrong with my wife that a miracle won't cure.
(Offended females can change 'wife' for 'husband'. It works pretty well both ways. I have checked!)

I'm lost, I've gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, have me wait.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk by again?
Marriage

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. It's TRUE!
Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
Shrink answering machine

The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...

"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press...no one will answer anyways.
Parents excuses
The following is a collection of 'actual' excuse notes from parents (including spelling) of the nowaday powerful heroes of "Heroes III of Might and Magic" and the "Might and Magic" series.

My son Nicolai Ironfist in under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Catherine Gryphonheart for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse Crag Hack being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gelu from gym today. He is administering.

Please excuse Roland Ironfist from P.E. for few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

Sandro has been absent becasue he has two teeth taken out of his face.

Yog was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Lady Loretta Fleice could not come to school today becasue she has been bothered by very close veins.

Xenofex will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Lord Anthony Stone Friday from school. He has very loos vowels.

Please excuse Xeron from being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Please excuse Gavin Magnus for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Mutare for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Cauri Blackthorne won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My son Archibald was absent yesterday because he was tired. He  spent a weekend with the Marines.
Only in Might and Magic VI...

Only in Free Haven...can a pizza get to your house faster than a doctor.

Only in Free Haven...do alchemists make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy spells of poison at the front.

Only in Bootleg Bay... the barman gives you double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet beer.

Only in Silver Cove...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in New Sorpigal...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in Castle Ironfist...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in White Cap...we can do skiing the whole year and  we still want snowing to stop.
You are becoming old if you are...

...when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

...when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

...when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...when your wife says, "let's go upstairs and make love", and you answer, "honey, I can't do both!"
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For more clever and wise phrases please check the Words of Wisdom.
This is the first page of the Funny Stuff Corner of my site. There are many funny and humorous things here - short funny phrases, anecdotes, jokes and many more. To see the complete list of the funny stuff content click here.
For clever, wise and famous quotes, citations and words click here.
Site Navigation is at the bottom of the page - click here.